


Monochrome Cognizance

by nestine



Series: Kaleidoscope Complications [2]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Best Friends, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-09 18:36:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10418553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nestine/pseuds/nestine
Summary: Mark is not Jinyoung’s biggest regret but he is his only what if.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading Iridescent Beginnings and as promised, here is Jinyoung's POV. This 3-part series will end with Jaebum's/3rd party POV and it'll be longer for it would consist of everything that has happened and will happen. Hopefully some of the unanswered doubts in IB has been answered here but for sure, tons of questions will emerge because of this fic. I hope you'll like this just like how you supported IB :)  
> Again, thank you. :)

A thousand evanescent memories of untroubled days gushes into his system as the words, loud and clear, echoed into his ears, best friends shouldn't fall in love with each other - it’s what Jinyoung consistently hears and although he never believes in its underlying meaning, there’s a tinge of what if that lies on his belief.

Thus, he started waiting, and waited but after years of falling into a helpless state of desperate longing; he realizes he is yearning for something that will not come. And he didn't want to let another person feel the same way as he did, so he put a stop to a seemingly hopeless case of waiting.

  
Mark is not Jinyoung’s biggest regret but he is his only _what if_.

 

***

 

_March 1, 2017_

 

“Fuck!” Jinyoung inadmissibly let out a grunt of annoyance as the papers flew away from his grasp. Nothing was going his way - everything was in a disordered havoc; today could arguably be the most wrecked day in Jinyoung’s university life and he couldn't do anything about his forsaken destiny. And he felt an incredible amount of worry for he knew his bad luck was just beginning and he feared he’d have to face more.

 

His day started utterly bad. He didn’t get into the special photography seminar he had been eyeing for months because of a misprint on his name, which, he insisted to the committee that it wasn’t his fault. But no matter how he tried his best to elaborate his explanation, even showing proofs, his slot was forfeited without reimbursement and wasn’t even granted a new one.

 

To add to his misery, he accidentally dropped his camera lens resulting to a huge damage and he’d have to, again, cut his allowances for a few months - maybe even a year, just to replace it, meaning cancelled coffee afternoon breaks, and the once in a month treat-yourself-day-because-you-fucking-deserve-it-Park-Jinyoung.

 

And just this morning, Jinyoung was suddenly informed he needed to move out from the apartment he was renting because apparently someone already bought it and would be occupying the place in two weeks’ time. Although, he knew he could stay a couple of days with Jackson or Jaebum but the hassle of transferring things from one location to the other and doing it all over again brought Jinyoung to a complete disastrous state.

 

His day was getting a lot worse as time passed by, and when his classmate informed him of the sudden change in their schedule, making his Humanity class overlapped with his Introduction to Basic Arts, a tumult of vehement feeling lingered through his whole being.

 

To his dismay, he let out a loud curse and unintentionally dropped the folder he was holding, it almost brought Jinyoung to tears because even his own belongings would not want to cooperate with him. As Jinyoung gathered the scattered papers on the floor, he internally counted all the good things that had happened to him for the past days - months –years, hoping to counter all the bad luck he had been recently suffering from.

 

“Here” A guy clad in white shirt, skinny tattered jeans and sporting the latest Adidas footwear, spoke to him in English as he handed Jinyoung some of the papers he dropped on the floor. And although it was only a fraction of a second, Jinyoung had noticed the exceptional features of the kind lad. It was an out of the blue interaction, a kindness in a middle of a catastrophe and Jinyoung could not help but feel his heart swell.

 

“Than—“ Jinyoung was about to say his heartfelt gratitude but the guy already left, just like that. It took Jinyoung a couple of minutes to process what happened and as he finished recovering all his documents, a spark of an interesting change of view had pushed Jinyoung to take a complete turn on his beliefs. And he decided to look for the guy – the guy who was like the rainbow in a middle of monstrous storm.

 

But a humongous trial awaited him even before he began his search because Seoul University is a 4.9 kilometer ordeal.  He has an important class starting in ten minutes, and an essay due in 4 hours. If he decided to ditch his class,  that would mean a possible missed quiz or a graded paperwork, and the unsubmitted essay would cost him a great amount of deduction for his final grade.

 

When everything’s going against his way, Jinyoung should be able to decipher the right choices from the wrong ones in order to make a coherent decision resulting to a constructive consequence.

 

But the fever of enthusiasm won him over.

 

“To hell with everything” He pronounced with finality as he dashed onto the corridor where the guy had taken a turn. He wasted no time as he erased all the might be scenarios that could transpire as he decided to take a leap of fate without any hope of anything at all. Jinyoung just felt he needed to rush and find guy, to thank him, to talk to him, to meet him – without any imaginations of what would come after or what should happen.

 

He went room by room, explored every corner, and visited every comfort room he passed by until he managed to arrive at the East Wing cafeteria. His eyes roamed around the hoard of students currently on their break hoping to finally see the guy he chose over his studies.

 

_He should be here, please._

 

It was not an easy feat to locate a singular person over the mass of individuals walking around, hopping from table to table, fist bumping their peers, queuing up for the mouthwatering cheese tarts  --- and then a flicker of hope rushed on his way.

 

There he was – sitting alone in table near the cheesecake kiosk. And Jinyoung’s heart felt like it was ripping his veins into shreds. But he didn’t know what to do, he had not thought it through – the only thing he was sure of was his fevering desire to see him and now that he did, he entered a cave with no return – he was lost in the valley of the present. But he needed to find a way to escape because in no way he would let this opportunity pass; he didn’t give up his quiz and essay for nothing.

 

But honestly, Jinyoung found it hard to initiate conversations, he rarely start one but he felt like he needed to be the one to do it this time, and after a first moment of reluctance, he wasted no time as his brain came up with the simplest but rather amusing topic everyone would surely love – and maybe the popular food stall had given him an idea too.

 

“The cheese tarts here are to die for. But you should queue up early or else Jackson will hoard all of them.” Jinyoung had declared, as he confidently sat in front of the guy, heart beat racing on incredible speed, while placing his things on the table. He was shaking but he had hoped the guy in front of him wouldn’t notice.

 

_Does he remember me?_

 

He could not look at him directly in the eyes, and Jinyoung felt horrible for the lack of response coming from the guy in front him. Did I piss him off? Am I a nuisance? Fuck!

 

“I'm Park Jinyoung” He tried again hoping to get a response – an emotion – anything.  And he continued to blabber, he noticed a familiar paper on the table – the forms when a student just arrived at the university and Jinyoung assumed it was the guy’s first they so he continued to blabber on, hoping he’d soon get a reply “Having trouble on your first day? Or is this an easy breezy day?” But the more he engaged into the conversation, the faster his hopes were crashing down because of the lack of response from the other person.

 

Jinyoung staggered his courage to finally look at the guy straight into his eyes and a sudden realization struck him. And he happily panicked because if his assumptions were true and then the tinge of hope had been revived.

 

“You don't know Korean?” Jinyoung freaked at his sudden milestone discovery so he unknowingly asked again, still speaking in Korean, rather than in English. The guy looked at him with the same confused stare he had been doing since Jinyoung started to talk to him.  “Oh, sorry” Jinyoung exhaled and finally uttered his words in English. “I am Park Jinyoung” He said loud and clear, wrenching a possible answer. And his heart has swelled even more as the guy in front of him suddenly offered the brightestes smile.

 

“You speak English!” The guy exasperated happily.

 

“Yes, but still not very good” Jinyoung sheepishly admitted, “But studying it here” He tried to elaborate squeezing out all the English vocabulary he learned over the years.

 

“That's more than enough” The guy replied with a trace of relief, a wider smile creeping on his face as he stretched out his hand and introduced himself, “I'm Mark Tuan.”

 

And the handshake marked the beginning of something far more than what the both of them expected as a single contact contained the magic of youth and an entry ticket to a bewildering future.

 

And as the conversation leaped from one topic to another, Jinyoung, still unaware of the events taking an unexpected sinister turn, not a care in world about his presently cancelled class and a sudden deadline extension for the essay; Jinyoung enjoyed the company – buried in the smiles and laughter of his present-day destiny.

 

Jinyoung had learnt after a while that Mark didn’t remember helping him just an hour ago but Jinyoung thought it was better that way. It would be Jinyoung’s little secret – that Mark was akin to a knight in shining armor and indeed the rainbow in the middle of a monstrous storm.

 

***

 

_December 24, 2017_

 

“I’ll be there the next holiday.” A sense of guilt lingered through Jinyoung’s skin as his mom’s voice cracked on the other end of the line. He had not been home for quite a long time mainly because of his busy schedule as a college student was exhausting. He had promised his family of his presence during the Christmas holiday to make up for all the missed family events but a more important matter unpredictably happened and Jinyoung chose the latter. “I’m sorry, mom.” He confessed, apologetic over his broken promises.

 

“It would have been perfect if you’re here.” His mom had said – the sadness stemming from his mom’s voice burned Jinyoung’s soul as his guilt worsened even more. It broke Jinyoung’s heart to pieces recognizing the dissatisfaction his mom might be feeling. He would not deny that he was looking forward to the sumptuous home-cooked meals prepared by mother as well as the laughter, stories that would be shared by his relatives, but a pressing matter completely altered his plan of returning home.

 

And Jinyoung’s guilt felt heavier because not a tinge of regret was present.  

 

“I’m really sorry.” He said his genuine apologies once more for Jinyoung knew all he could do was to utter endless repentances. He knew he needed to make up for his actions, he definitely would, just right after everything was completely okay – after Jinyoung was assured that he was okay.

“I’ll call again when the clock strikes at 12. Wouldn’t want to miss greeting you.” He finally added as an assurance of his care in hopes that it would lighten the heavy load his mother had been carrying ever since she knew she won’t be spending Christmas with her child.

 

It took a couple of seconds before Jinyoung’s mom responded with a resounding, “Okay, son.” It might have been uttered still with traces of sadness and disappointment but Jinyoung knew he was already forgiven.

 

“Bye, mom. I’ll call again.” He said and just before he ended a call, his mom had called his attention.

 

“Jinyoung?”

 

“Yeah?” Jinyoung replied, his focus suddenly experiencing a turn because at the same time, the door from the bedroom slowly swung open revealing a guy covered with sweatpants and a thick jacket, eyes red and puffy, hair disheveled.

 

“Are you happy?” It was an out of the blue question and Jinyoung found it insane.

 

“What? Mom, what’s with the question?”

 

“I just want to know if you’re happy. Because that’s all I want for Christmas.”

 

Just a few steps away from Jinyoung was Mark, still suffering from a fever but Jinyoung didn’t miss how his best friend had looked at him with a stunned expression. Mark had been asleep for the whole day and he had not realized Jinyoung had stayed.  And although Mark had been suffering because of his tonsils, the words came out as harsh and hoarse, What are you doing here?

 

It wasn’t the best image of Mark, maybe it was his worse. Jinyoung questioned himself then, the same question his mom had asked and the answer was already laid even before the question was raised because Jinyoung knew, at the depths of his heart, he was, undeniably, happy.

 

He’d have to hurry to end the call, though, because he needed to take care of Mark.

 

“Yes” Jinyoung said without a trace of doubt, “I am happy”

 

 _You should have gone home_ , Mark mouthed again as he heavily coughed right after.

 

And Jinyoung forgot about his sadness over the fact that he disappointed his mother. It was selfish of him, Jinyoung thought. How could he feel an overflowing amount of happiness with just the thought of spending the Christmas with Mark, _being with him– taking care of him_.

 

Even though this Christmas might mean he’d only have a chocolate cake, a take-out order of kimbap and a _samgyetang_ , Jinyoung could not even ask for more - would not even ask for anything anymore.

 

“I’ve never been this happy”

 

 

***

 

_September 4, 2018_

  
To be really honest with himself, Jinyoung had no idea what to do. If things were quite normal, he could easily plan things out but Mark was a different case – a special one to reiterate so Jinyoung had have to rip out whatever ideas he had left to come up with a an exceptional surprise. The problem remained on Jinyoung’s helplessness over the matter as he could not properly focus and decide on what to prepare.

 

He had a lot of ideas the past months. A video greeting from Mark’s parents would be ultimately be poignant but Jinyoung discerned, it would be a futile case for Mark’s parents consistently called their son every chance they get and for sure, they would not miss Mark’s birthday. The second on his list was to adopt a Maltese puppy, the same one as Youngjae has, but Mark loves Coco too much, Jinyoung feared a new puppy might not won Mark over. The third plan was to gift Mark a trip to Jeju island because Mark had always adore and dreamt of visiting Jeju the most but a trip would cost too much – Jinyoung had not saved enough. Other ideas were scratched, crossed out or were deemed lacking of a grand gesture and time flew in a blink of an eye, Jinyoung panicked because he only has a day left and he still had no clue on what to do.

“Youngjae.” Jinyoung desperately clung for help. He wanted to skin himself alive for his utter stupidity and lack of concentration. “I don't know what to do” He breathed frantically hoping his friend on the other end of the line could save him.

  
“Hello to you too, hyung” Youngjae replied, sighing.

 

“Youngjae” Jinyoung let the last syllable float to let his friend recognize the panic and despair he currently experiencing. “Mark’s birthday is today and I have nothing – nothing. I don’t have anything.”

 

“Just get him anything.” Youngjae replied briefly, it’s 3 am in the morning and both of them should be sleeping because they both have an early class to attend to.

 

“Youngjae, you don’t understand. It’s Mark’s birthday.” Jinyoung reiterated, “Mark’s birthday!”

 

“Yes, I know, it’s my favorite hyung’s birthday.”

 

Jinyoung let the comment pass but made a mental note to scrutinize Youngjae on what he meant by favorite hyung because getting Mark something special for his birthday was the emergency, “This needs to be special.” Jinyoung replied.

 

“Mark hyung will still be happy even if you give him a photo album”

 

Jinyoung could not believe how useless Youngjae was. Jinyoung understood that it was inconsiderate of him disturbing Youngjae in the middle of the night but Jinyoung got no other choice but to ask for help.

 

“But I want it to be special” Jinyoung said, softer this time.

 

Youngjae replied a little bit late but it meant the whole world to Jinyoung.

 

“But you're special” Youngjae revealed, “You’re the most special for Mark hyung”

 

The call ended after a few more pleads and grunts for Jinyoung but not really venting on what Youngjae disclosed. For starters, Jinyoung didn't want to get his hopes up again. He had learnt to control his expectations and not give in to any temptations. In the end, when the phone call has long been gone, Jinyoung finally managed to come up with something, with the hopes of making it not just anything.

 

Jinyoung came up with a simple surprise of making Mark think Jinyoung forgot his birthday and finally revealing his simple gesture just before the night turns to morning. It was excruciating to see Mark’s eyes full of hope - waiting for Jinyoung’s greeting but Jinyoung had to pull through and not give in.

 

And in the end, it was a success. And Jinyoung believed it was spectacular.

 

“And you didn’t give me any presents?” Mark demanded after the little celebration. His mood had drastically changed from gloomy to hyper, initiating a joke with his best friend. And Jinyoung couldnt even be happier.

 

Jinyoung’s heart afloat in the heavens, his lungs constricts and although he was aware of the jest in Mark’s remark, he decided to join in the fun partially revealing the truth.

 

  
“I already gave you one, idiot.” Jinyoung started laughing concealing the joint pain and happiness combusting his entire system.

  
  
“What? Where? I don’t see it.” Mark walked around the house, pretending to look for the present.

 

And Jinyoung revealed little by little of the truth he wanted to convey but still hidden in the underlying comedic stance, “Of course you won’t see it.”

  
  
Mark rolled his eyes, “What the hell, Jinyoung!”

  
  
Jinyoung pressed on as he’d really want Mark to know the truth even though Jinyoung was sure, Mark would never believed it.

  
  
Mark eyes narrowed, “Seriously, what did you give me?”

  
  
And Jinyoung prided himself to having been composed while the he let out the truth.

 

“My heart.”

 

***

 

 _November 23, 2017_  
  
Jinyoung had accidentally found out. On his defense, he wasn't eavesdropping. It just so happened he came home too early because he wasn't feeling well. He went straight to his room to rest but after a few minutes, he heard people inside the apartment, presumably Youngjae.

 

Jinyoung wanted to greet them and subsequently ask Youngjae if he had a medicine for a headache but before he could open his bedroom door, his heart managed to hurt more than his head as he heard Youngjae’s voice - loud and clear.

 

“I think Mark hyung likes him.”

 

“Really?” Said the other a guy, a voice who Jinyoung recognized to be Bambam’s.

 

“Yes. We talked about him a lot when we walked Coco together and the sparks in his eyes” Youngjae elaborated. “It was ethereal”

 

It was too much for Jinyoung for the words could imply many reasons and conclusions and Jinyoung was not in the right state to perceive logical facts. He didn’t want to hear more of it so he quickly opened the door to reveal himself to his friends and in return startling them making Youngjae and Bambam jumped from their spots.

 

“He-e-y” Youngjae looked extremely surprised as if a delicate information had been shared, as Youngjae struggled to greet Jinyoung, “Hyung, you're early!”

  
“I wasn't feeling too well” Jinyoung replied, he tried hard not to sound odd but in reality, his response appeared hostile.

  
Youngjae nervously laughed obviously covering up for his loquacity but Bambam had a different answer that made Jinyoung want to flee the scene.

  
“Let him be the one to tell Jackson hyung then”

  
Because the words Jinyoung just heard, the realization sunk into his system, he reached a miserable conclusion and a constant stream of woeful memories staggered his certainty. _Is that why Mark didn’t do anything when I confessed to him?_

 

***

_September 7, 2018_

Jinyoung wasn’t drunk but he pretended to be out of himself just so he could let out all the words that had been piling up in his heart. All his decisions can be attributed to the fact that Jinyoung had been fed up by all the utter _bullshits_ his best friend had been claiming, _best friends should not fall in love with each other._

“I'm not good with words but you're the best thing that ever happened to me.” He slurred his sentences, channeling what he had learned in the drama club just to convince everyone that he was drunk. Because a drunk Jinyoung could possibly forget everything that has happened.

“Thank you so much for always being there” And all eyes were on Jinyoung as he let out his heartfelt plea, and even though he knew Jaebum was present, Jinyoung pressed on.

“You were – you were the ideal man for me, you know that” He continued to spill out unfalse claims and reveal what should have been said a long time ago, “I'm just – god damn it – I'm happy to have met you, Mr. Tuan”

But Jinyoung never got a proper reply - not even a hint of concern from the one person he just confessed to. Worse, there wasn’t even a hanging accusation or even a kind-hearted rejection. But to his heart's utter melancholic depression, only a couple of slurred words were given to him in response, “Let’s go home, Jinyoung. You’re drunk.”

On that day, two hearts had been broken. But Jinyoung had promised if all his efforts were truly - possibly would end in vain then he’d have to mend a heart that have been shattered.

_  
Even if it meant choosing happiness over love._

 

***

_October 7, 2025_

 

“Remember the time Jinyoung confessed to Mark?” Jackson relived the memory as if it happened yesterday. 5 years had passed and it was the first time in 3 years since they have been together – in complete attendance.

 

Everyone laughed for they too, had witnessed drunk Jinyoung letting out all his feelings.

 

“But Mark was too drunk to even remember it happening.” Youngjae chimed in, adding bits and pieces to the hilarious story they loved the most.

 

Jinyoung was laughing uncontrollably remembering the silliest things he had done when he was younger. He didn’t regret a thing for all his decisions lead to his current future - and honestly, everything worked out perfectly.

 

“Those were the good times” Jinyoung finally claimed after he calmed down from all the laughter. “Right?” He nudged his best friend as he flashed a gentle smile to the guy sitting beside him.

 

“Yes” Mark replied. “Good times” He repeated.

 

Jinyoung had never regretted confessing to Mark for his confession had blossomed into many things - had been able to awaken the reality and be able to decipher who was the coward and who was the lionhearted.

 

***

 

_May 6, 2017_

 

“Why did you approach me that day?” Mark suddenly asked in a middle of a really romantic situation. They were currently lying on the beach, a thick sheet covering their bodies while they currently observed the glorious stars on a dark night.

 

Jinyoung, for a millisecond, thought Mark had remembered the first time they met – of Mark helping him with the forlorn papers but it was an absurd thought for Jinyoung knew Mark has no recollection of that event. He didn’t want to let out his little secret so he lied to Mark, for the first time.

 

“You look cute.” Jinyoung replied without ever batting an eyelash. He tried as much as he could to make it seem like he wasn’t hesitating to answer because although they might have met just a couple of months ago, their friendship had blossomed to something spectacular.

 

2 months of a roller-coaster ride was enough to know most of the things about Mark. Mark and Jinyoung became inseparable, and Jackson and Jaebum had been welcoming. The events transpired almost like a blink of an eye but everything seemed perfectly fine.

 

“You’re doubting me.” Jinyoung squinted his eyes in accusation.

 

“Yes, I am” Mark replied, unabashed.

 

“But it’s true” Jinyoung pressed on, “I thought you were cute so I talked to you, but I didn't expect you didn't know Korean.” He elaborated.

 

“And I was hoping you were a knight in shining armor who noticed my helplessness” Mark joked.

 

“I’m still a knight in shining armor, though.” Jinyoung smiled, “And you’re the helpless prince I will always be glad to save - over and over again.” But in Jinyoung’s mind, it was the complete opposite. Mark was the knight in shining armour and Jinyoung was the helpless pauper.

 

He lied back then because he wasn’t ready to admit his feelings yet. And maybe because Mark had said, Best friends don’t fall in love with each other.

 

But Jinyoung become conscious of his mistake because his lie may have been the biggest error he committed but sadly, he noticed it a bit too late.

 

 

***

 

_October 10, 2018_

 

Jinyoung’s mind was a suffocating mess. And his heart was drowning in uncertainty painted with delusion. He never had a proper conversation with Mark after Jinyoung’s confession for he had to fly to China for his internship.

 

The past month away from Mark came with a multitude of worries. The anxiety stemming from his sudden outburst of feelings that wasn’t reciprocated;  the mere fact that he should have just easily let the possibility drop and move on with his life but instead, his feelings became an overwhelming disorder; the pressure to be able to excel in his internship; and the constant reminder of scenarios repeating like a broken disc.

 

A month with Jaebum created another road, an easy option Jinyoung should have taken but a part of him was still drowning in the hopes of something unattainable. Still, he let himself be dragged by the probability of someone making him happy. And he was- _is_ , and will definitely be.

 

At one point, Jinyoung feared returning back home  - going back to the place filled with desolate memories. He was happy and he should be – and he was aware that seeing Mark would definitely break the magic that was currently happening.

 

_But he didn’t have any choice._

 

Jinyoung was standing in front of the door for almost half an hour, still undecided if he would push through because a month with Jaebum had given him a new world – with _happiness and security_. And meeting Mark would mean many things. But Jinyoung needed to face his worries so he could finally decide on what to choose - a road with ending in happiness or a detour full of uncertainty and heart breaks?

 

And then Jinyoung opened the door and a sudden outburst of feeling took over him as he immediately run, dropped his things on the floor and embraced his best friend, even if it meant another heartbreak.

 

“I've missed you”

 

The hold should have been longer but Jinyoung had to hold back so he let go and rushed to gather his things on the floor. He had tried to hide his overwhelming emotions and negate the beating of his heart. Covering up the loud beating of his heart but uttering the simplest things.

 

“You look thinner.” Jinyoung commented as he gathered his scattered things and then he momentarily stiffened for a strong hold suddenly enveloped him.

“You don’t know how much I’ve missed you.” Mark uttered, “Please don’t be away from me that long” He continued, “Again.” And Jinyoung pleaded the heavens to prevent tears from falling because he was confused and angry, and every possible emotions all at once. Mark was a heartless human being but Jinyoung was drowning - yet again because he knew Mark was just being Mark - so he painted his face with his smile as his feelings had been shattered all over again. He was being pathetic because this moment could potentially be the turning point or could even be the last straw.

 

“Did you fall in love with me or something?” Jinyoung asked.

 

And as much as Jinyoung hated himself for asking the stupidest question, he had, for a millisecond, hated Mark for his best friend could have just joked and said _yes_ not blatantly turn him down, _again._

  
“You wish.”

 

***

 

To be the best on his chosen field was what kept Jinyoung alive - but his second year in the university altered everything that was planned. New dreams began to take wing in his imagination and he had no control over it. 

 

It was not love at first Jinyoung thought, but he knew the moment he saw him, something beautiful sparked inside him. But his attraction had gradually increased to something more passionate. And even though every decision lead to a heart break, regret was the last thing on his mind. 

 

Jinyoung loved only one person, but his heart had been broken many times. He had never been in love before and he was sure he won’t love anyone, until the day he crossed paths with Mark Tuan. But his love for Mark had lead to many detours, downpours and rejections but nothing was regrettable for loving his best friend was a decision he would gladly remake over and over again. 

 

But at the end of the day, his love was something far fetched and Jinyoung chose happiness not only of him but of someone else’s deserving a happy ending.

  
Mark is not Jinyoung’s biggest regret but he is his only what if.

 

***

 

_October 27, 2017_

 

There were times when Jinyoung may have hated Jackson because of the latter’s excessive playfulness but Jinyoung swore he’d allow himself to be Jackson’s slave for as long as his friend wanted because of what Jackson had accomplished.

 

It happened swiftly – unplanned, unexpected.

 

Everyone was present and it was not even a dare. Jinyoung silently thanked the heavens for his lips, for the first time, had touched an angel. With all the eyes witnessing a guy’s lips touching another guy’s mouth - the repercussions would be embarrassing but because Jinyoung had wished for it to happen, everything was hilariously satisfying.

 

“You taste like vanilla ice cream” Jinyoung claimed. And I really love vanilla ice cream.

 

He mentally ticked of the second on his list.

 _To kiss Mark Tuan_.

 

He didn't expect his wish would be granted too soon after crossing out his first just a month ago.

_To fall in love with someone._

 

***

 

_September 12, 2019_

 

All the signs were revealed as Jinyoung put up the pieces of the puzzle hoping he can squeeze out anything from Mark. He was completely aware of the push and pull - the never ending curiosity of who likes who and the unceasing blatant act of ignoring feelings.

And Jinyoung was getting tired because he had been showing his interest, hinting at possible opening at a new relationship every time he got but nothing was ever reciprocated.

“Do you like someone?” Jinyoung confidently asked over dinner. It was _Chuseok_ and another missed holiday for Jinyoung but he didn’t mind for his purpose was to squeeze out anything - _anything from Mark_.

Jinyoung could feel his best friend tensed and it should be a good sign. _Please say yes_. Because if Mark could only man-up, choose a step closer, Jinyoung would have reached out over and over again just so Mark could courageously admit whatever he was feeling

But Jinyoung, once again, had been offered an answer. A response that would mean this should be stopped.

“No”

 

“Hmmm” Jinyoung replied and sighed.

 

Mark shivered, “Do you?”

 

Jinyoung had been counting - of how many times he had been given Mark the chance to positively return Jinyoung’s actions but had been given the same response - over and over again. So Jinyoung decided to look straight into Mark’s eyes hoping Mark would read Jinyoung’s answer was him - _was always him._ But maybe this time, Jinyoung’s answer was not Mark.

“I’m not sure.” Jinyoung said and after a while because he was not really sure at first but because Mark would not - could not - chose not to do anything.

“But yeah, I guess I do like someone.”

Jinyoung revealed because it was the truth but it didn’t reach Mark’s heart when Jinyoung said, _you._

 

***

 

_August 28, 2024_

 

The fragments of withering memories flashed before him. The moments of endlessly waiting to an answer he would never get - the countless times of attempting to start a relationship with his best friend. Because Jinyoung had been crazily in love with Mark for the longest time. But Mark had always been a dream - _a delusional reality_.

 

And Jinyoung would not let the same thing happen to the single person who had cared for him since the beginning. Because Jaebum deserved to be happy and happiness, sometimes, is greater than love.

 

But just a fraction of a second, the hope still existed that Mark could finally snatch him away. But still, even at the edge of the cliff, Mark screamed silently.

 

“Yes” Jinyoung answered to a question he had hoped Mark asked. “Yes, Jaebum, I will marry you."

 

 

***

 

 

_February 26, 2021_

 

“Jaebum said he is in love with me” Jinyoung had been planning on telling Mark but he didn’t know the perfect time but after days of relenting, he thought the perfect timing didn’t exist. For Mark would not care - would not even make any action. But Jinyoung hoped - continued to hope that somewhere along the way, Mark would finally say the words Jinyoung wanted to hear. 

 

Jaebum had been an open book - voicing out his feelings for Jinyoung. And Jaebum had been witnessed to several failed acts - to the relentless unceasing effort from Jinyoung for Jaebum had been mirroring it.

 

“Does he make you happy?” Mark replied.

 

“Mark, Jaebum said he is in love with me” Jinyoung uttered, once again, a desperate call from Jinyoung because he was waiting for Mark to argue with him, to pull him back – to prevent him from making the decision. To snatch him way and finally reveal what his heart had been telling him. But Mark wasn't capable of admitting what he truly felt even if Jinyoung, for the past years, had been showing everything there was to show - words had been said - but Mark - Mark didn't do anything. 

 

“Jinyoung” Mark replied, “I need to review”

 

And as Jinyoung slowly walked away, a little bit of hope still lingered in him wishing Mark would have the courage to pull him back but as expected, he didn’t.

 

_Best friends shouldn’t fall in love with each other._

 

The sentence rang into Jinyoung's brain – because Mark had constantly – repeatedly – over and over again claimed it but Jinyoung never believed it because he was, and still hopelessly in love with his best friend, Mark.

 

But he realized, Mark really didn’t feel the same.

 

 

***

 

“You will always have my heart”

_Unheard, endlessly uttered._

 

“I love you.”

_The words Jinyoung wanted to hear but never did._


End file.
